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5,873 Posts
From my Funnies Pusher -
Sign in a shoe repair store:
We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you.

Sign on a Blinds and Curtain truck:
Blind man driving.

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix.

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels.

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
You've come to the right place.

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed.

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout.

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts.

In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and
will take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door
"Push. Push. Push."

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time
However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait.

At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank Heaven for little grills.

In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak.

And the best one for last;
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises

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5,873 Posts
A neighbor posted this on NextDoor -
Rode up on my electric bicycle next to a big biker dude on a Harley at a stop light earlier today. He looks over, gives the head nod, and I do it back. Then he looks at my bike, and revs his engine a few times. I twist my throttle a bit, and make loud motor cycle noises with my mouth. Dude just about fell off his bike from laughing so hard. A quick fist bump, light turns green, and we’re off.

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5,873 Posts
From my other Funnies Pusher -
I used to be able to do cartwheels. Now I tip over putting on my underwear.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes... so she hugged me.

My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen and something else...

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.😇

I thought growing old would take longer.

I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps, got lost on the way back. Now I have no idea what's going on.

The officer said, "You drinking?" I said, "You buying?" We just laughed and laughed....I need bail money.

I think the reason we are born with two hands is so we can pet two dogs at once.

Day 12 without chocolate. Lost hearing in my left eye.

Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.

The adult version of "head, shoulders, knees and toes" is "wallet, glasses, keys and phone."👌

A dog accepts you as the boss... a cat wants to see your resume.

Oops.... did I roll my eyes out loud?

Life is too short to waste time matching socks or to wear them at all.

Wi-fi went down for five minutes, so I had to talk to my family. They seem like nice people.

If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I'm self-employed; we're having a staff meeting.

I won't be impressed with technology until I can download food.

Some people call me crazy. I prefer happy with a twist.

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."

I really don't mind getting old, but my body is having a major fit.

Project Manager...because Miracle Worker isn't an official job title.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

Measure once, cuss twice..

My dream job would be driving the karma bus.

THINK! (It's not illegal.... YET)

I don't care who dies in a movie, as long as the dog lives.

The world's best antidepressant has 4 legs, a wagging tail and comes with unconditional love.

Love is how excited your dog gets when you come home.🐶🥰

I've reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me.

If you're happy and you know it, it's your meds.

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5,873 Posts
From my Funnies Pusher -

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated
him out of $10,000,000.
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the
first place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have
to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10
million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money?
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido where's the money?.
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're
talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says,
"Ask him again!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him.."
Guido signs back, "OK.!!!! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,
buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers ...

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5,873 Posts
More from my Funnies Pusher -
> I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

> God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all

corners of the world. Then he made the earth round. . .and laughed and
laughed and laughed.
> I'm on two diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.

> I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar

will stay until it apologizes.
> My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them

are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.
> Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang,

I picked it up without knowing who was calling.
> Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation "Maybe next time" isn't the

correct response.
> There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is, once you

get old you stop being polite and start being honest.
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