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My comics pusher just sent me these. I tried to leave out the ones I knew had already been posted, but some I kept because they were too funny.
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Discussion Starter #208
A young guy goes to the Job Center in Charleston, West Virginia, and sees a flyer advertising for a Gynecologist’s Assistant at a Soothing Approach Gynecology Center. Interested, he wants to learn more. “Can you give me some more details?” he asks the clerk.
The clerk pulls up a file and says, “The job entails helping ladies get ready for the gynecologist in a soothing and relaxing manner. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off any hair, then rub in soothing oils so they’re ready for the gynecologist’s examination. There’s an annual salary of $55 thousand, but you’re going to have to go to Charlotte, North Carolina. That’s about 250 miles from here.”
“Oh, is that where the job is?” the young man asks.

“No, sir. That’s where the end of the line is right now."
 

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Interesting article and video -
 

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Discussion Starter #213
Steven Alexander Wright is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and film producer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, non sequiturs, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations.

If you're not familiar with his work, he's the one who said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us do. . .


Here are some of his gems (most are credited to him):

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever.... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35.-I am writing an unauthorized autobiography.

36.- I was arrested for lip syncing karaoke.

And the all-time favorite -

37 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
 

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Jokes from a former co-worker (not my usual comics/jokes pusher)!
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.


'Where's my toast?'


An elderly couple
had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'


Hospital regulations
require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'


A man
was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'


Morris
, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


One more. . .!
A little old man
shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'


Now , before you ' forget ', send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laugh!!
 

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Not necessarily FUNNY, but it sure is BIG! There's a video history of front-end loaders, too!
Be sure to also check the link to the Bulldozer rampage!
 

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More funnies from my pusher -



Dating Ads for Seniors, found in a Florida Newspaper .

'The Villages' Dating Ads
You
can say what you want about Florida, but you never hear of
anyone retiring and moving north.
These are actual ads seen in
''The Villages'' Florida newspaper.
Who says seniors don't have
a sense of humour

FOXY LADY
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

------------------------------ -----------------

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,
Looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot.
Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath, not a problem.

------------------------------ ----------------

SERENITY NOW
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga, and meditation.
If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
------------------------------ ---------------

WINNING SMILE
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser
to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
------------------------------ ----------------

BEATLES OR STONES
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on
Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

------------------------------ ----------------

MEMORIES
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads
together.
------------------------------ ----------------

MINT CONDITION
Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.


AND FINALLY

A lady in the Villages in Florida (a senior retirement community), was sitting on a bench, near another bench with a gentleman sitting on the bench.
She asked him if he was new to the community and he said "no, I have owned a condo here for 20 years".
She then said "I have been here for 15 years and
I have never seen you around!".
He then said "I have been in prison for the last 17 years!".
She was stunned and finally asked him what he had done.
He said that he had murdered his first wife!
She was stunned again and after a long pause she said.


So you're SINGLE???
------------------------------ --
Do not regret growing old, it is a privilege denied to many.
As usual, let me know if anyone can't see these.
 

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Some Blonde men jokes -

A blonde man is in the shower and his Wife asks him if he found the shampoo? He replies yes, but is confused about using the shampoo since the bottle says it's for dry hair and his hair is already wet!

A blonde man sees a letter on his doormat marked DO NOT BEND. He then spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick up the letter.

A blonde man is on the phone with 911 and shouts My Wife is pregnant and her contractions are only 2 minutes apart! The 911 operator asks if this is her first child and the man angrily answers NO! This is her Husband!
 
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